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Fell down yesterday due to my right knee buckling and giving out when I was walking and I sprained my ankle and messed with some of the ligaments in it. Off of work tomorrow to try and see if I can recover quicker anyways. Appointment with my bone doctor Wednesday to discuss dates for surgery and what the next step is. And for him to check out my ankle as well since this is related to my knee problem. Attorneys doctors and work have consumed my life... Blah.

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I Hate Old People...

They hurt my baby...

Note to self: see a Cadillac coming down the street, forget the law... do NOT yield for paramedics or firetrucks. Yield to the old person. Who you KNOW cannot hear or see you in your truck that's not tiny, and the flashing lights and loud siren in the open road of aviation with all the other cars around pulling over and stopping... at least i stopped his car from running into the car directly in front of him... and thank god for witnesses as well. Just what i need right now...

Driving down Aviation apparently is just not safe anymore. Thankfully I saw the guy not yielding so i pulled back into my lane, onto the line, unfortunately oldie decided to swerve right at my car (to the left) as he went next to me, the mirror hitting my car wasn't sign enough that yes, i am a car and i am driving on the road next to you. had to keep going and do bumper in as well. Thank you sir. I appreciate you adding to my fantastic week. Thank you for agreeing with the officer that it scares you that you didn't see the truck, or paramedics, or the other cars around you. Thank you for not causing a hassle and agreeing to go get a re-evaluation test for your license. Made it 84 years driving the way you do, congratulations. Why I got to be the lucky winner for your crash... I guess its just luck.


I love this movie..


Made me cry like no other. i guess it hit close to home. i just was yelling at the tv and shaking and sobbing.. dont know what went through me... but it helped...

Bradley Thomas: Do you think love is a trick or do you think it's the only reason there is to this crazy dream?
Jenny: Which do you believe?
Bradley Thomas: The second one.

Harry Stevenson: There is a story about the Greek Gods; they were bored so they invented human beings, but they were still bored so they invented love, then they weren't bored any longer. So they decided to try love for themselves. And finally, they invented laughter, so they could stand it.

Harry Stevenson: Sometimes you don't know you've crossed a line until you're already on the other side.

Bradley Thomas: What's making you smile like that?
Margaret Vekashi: Looking out the window, an unusual man, an innocent man, an open-hearted man. Someone who has given tremendous love, but never had it returned, not in the way he deserves.

Harry Stevenson: God is either dead, or he despises us.
Bradley Thomas: You don't really believe that.
Harry Stevenson: Maybe. I saw the most remarkable thing just now. I wandered into the stadium, I thought I was alone... but down on the 50 yard line there was a couple. They were making love. I watched for longer then I should have. I was envious... and then I felt sorry for them. There's so much they don't know; heartbreak they can't even imagine.
Bradley Thomas: [sighs] Well, even if they knew, it wouldn't change anything.
Harry Stevenson: How so?
Bradley Thomas: Chloe knew what was going to happen to Oscar.
Harry Stevenson: She knew?
Bradley Thomas: She did. She went to some psychic lady, predicted the whole thing.
Harry Stevenson: She believe her?
Bradley Thomas: Yes, Harry, she did. She didn't run away, she didn't crawl into a hole. She found them a house. She threw away her birth control and married him. God doesn't hate us, Harry. If he did, he wouldn't have made our hearts so brave.

Another day

only 4 more hours til i can go home and curl up with a good movie, and my man.

Been feeling a little on the ill side for the past week or so. my stomach has been aching and made me not want to eat. sensitive to the touch and even touching my back makes it hurt. my mom said to wait a few more days to see if it gets better. I'm hoping it will. Don't want to have to use my new medical insurance or anything... actually would like to avoid doctors of all sorts for anything. I'm just going to blame it on the 1 year anniversary of Eric's death coming up and that's why my body seems to be shutting down again. i will just follow what my doctor told me to do last year, sleep and try to relax as much as possible. do things that make you happy and that don't remind you of him, or if they do remind you of him(because everything does, stupid southbay being so small) make sure it brings good memories. Don't be afraid to cry, and let emotions out. always have a back up plan.


Sep. 4th, 2008

I'm okay.
I'm okay.
I'm okay.
I'm okay.
I'm okay.
I'm okay.
I'm okay.



I've been up and down.

The tiredness has returned. might have to do with the stress and the 1 year coming up. going to get some help. when i finally call a therapist and set it all up. that could take awhile, seeing as i hate going to talk to professionals, but i think its time, lord knows i have put it off for long enough. also, i have to decide... do i use the blue cross insurance, or the blue shield? insurance? what?

I got a new job. Ive been here a little over a month now, love it. I get to play with photoshop all day on graphics and animations. they pay me well, get catered meals atleast 1 time a week, fun little events and trips with everyone, video conferences with people up north, 100% paid medical(ppo), dental, and vision insurance 15 days after i started, sick pay, holiday pay, cell phone reimbursement, and so on. i dont get whats the catch.. waiting for it... waiting.... not finding it. oh and did i mention, getting to listen to itunes all day on headphones? weeeeeeee....

Senior year in highschool, i always wanted to either be a message therapist (that backfired.. stupid shoulder) or work in a graphics type field. well i finally got to one of those.

So i should be exstatic, not down and barely being able to drag myself out of bed. So that brings me back to the beginning of the post, i should set that up and see if that helps, couldnt hurt.

I dont know who out there reads, but how long does it take to stop missing that loved one on a day to day basis. when does the heart ache stop? is it normal to feel angry and want to just never wake up? cry at night, think you see them in a crowd when you are out and about?

I want to keep going with life, but i find myself always coming back to him. always holding back for him, i mean i know hes never coming back here, but for some reason, my heart wont let him go.


Homewreckers... (Random work convos)

Gregoris (3:09:58 PM): well that blows that idea out of the water
Gregoris (3:10:02 PM): homewrecker?
justchooseme (3:10:08 PM): angelina jolie?
Gregoris (3:10:13 PM): ah
Gregoris (3:10:33 PM): i take it you liked brad & aniston?
Gregoris (3:11:25 PM): atleast i think that was the girl b4 jolie
justchooseme (3:11:40 PM): no i really dont care for them... but i just dont like homewreckers
Gregoris (3:11:45 PM): ah i c
justchooseme (3:11:56 PM): especially highly publicized homewreckers
Gregoris (3:12:30 PM): do you generally believe that if said "homewrecker" had never showed up the couple would have been fine
justchooseme (3:12:38 PM): shes all talking about how she wants to help the world and help children and families etc etc.... and then she goes and steals another womans husband.... how is that helping?
justchooseme (3:13:28 PM): u kno... they could of been fine, or atleast ended with much less heartache... especially when homewrecker turned up pregnant with his kid.. and u do the math and realize.. wtf?!?! he was cheating on his wife
justchooseme (3:14:46 PM): and they become the hottest couple out there highly publicized... just isnt right... makes americans look dumb once again...
justchooseme (3:15:31 PM): makes it seem like "oh its okay for another woman to steal someone’s husband... infact we love it."
justchooseme (3:15:52 PM): we will give them much praise and worship
Gregoris (3:18:17 PM): is that the thing you dislike most?
Gregoris (3:18:20 PM): homewreckers?
justchooseme (3:21:06 PM): no just angelina
Gregoris (3:21:10 PM): lol
Gregoris (3:21:12 PM): how cruel
Gregoris (3:21:14 PM): =)


7 hours from right now, 7 months ago.

I lost one of my longest friends, someone you always think that you have plenty of time to hang out with, laugh with, flirt with, makeout with, and beat up. 7 months ago I thought life was over because he ignored my phonecalls and texts. only to find out 7 hours later it was not the case. and once again think that life is done, but for other reasons other then, "he stood me up."

but then life continues, and you find new things. it may take you months, years, decades, but life is not that cruel to keep you down for the rest of your life. life seems to bring you down hard when it does, but it only makes you appreciate the good times when you get your time to shine.

Sometimes others dont think you are ready to take the video off of pause. And sometimes during the play mode, you feel like, maybe they are right. But there is no way to get happy if you sit in a corner and hide, never lettng anyone new get a chance to fill that hole that has been placed inside of you. you can kick, scream, cover your ears, and not listen to a word anyone else says, but that also does not help anything.

Losing someone that you truly cared about and loved with all your heart is not easy. It hurts so bad, worse then any breakup ever really could, because its final, no time for apologees, no hugs and pats on the back and winks. You can go to their grave and try to let it out, but that still is not the same as a laugh and a hug.

Finding someone after losing is hard not only on yourself, but for the person who happens to fall in love with you as well. being that next guy I am sure is not an easy task. You have so much you want to compare them to, so many expectations for them. you want them to get their face changed and have them grow a few more inches. change their story of you and them. you want to ultimately transform them into that persosn you lost. and you know that it does not work that way, but still even if its unconciously, you keep doing it to them. You push and fight with them. you dont know how to let go. you want to. but you cant. little things rip your heart apart. you could love that person to pieces, but on those bad days when you think about your lost love, you cant even tell them anything. you just want to yell at them and put everything on them. you want them to not touch you, not care about you, leave you once again to your cave to hide. and after all the tears and the yelling, they are still there for you trying to comfort you. I cant begin to tell you how wonderful it is that i found someone who understands a lot of what i am going through and will stand by as i have my fits and tears and mental break downs. i found one of the most perfect men out there... barf i know, but i dont know how or why i got to find him. i doubt it sometimes believing he will also leave when i think we have more time and plenty of it. i know life is life, random and no one can tell you whats ahead. I really dont even know where i am going with all of this. i have so much circulating in my head. stress, and i am nervous and scared for the future. afraid to make a step and fall. but the only way to progress with life, is to move forward and step on to the path thats being lit for me to walk.

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July 2009


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